You know that saying..."people never change"? I majorly disagree with that statement. I believe that if people want to change, they'll change. And sometimes life propels you in directions that forces change. We have options though, we can dig deep in the face of traumatic events and find a space and ability within ourselves to focus on the positive. Or alternatively we can sit in the company of our misery. I'm not saying that choosing the positive route is easy...it isn't by any means. It is a lot...A LOT of work. It's the work toward enlightenment though.
Here's the thing, I'm moving into my own home in err...6 sleeps...okay 7...and tonight I'm lying in bed (unable to sleep) thinking about all of the ways in which I have changed in life. About 5 years ago I was that girl who was reluctant to change. As much as I wanted to be someone who welcomed change - I just wasn't that person, I was freaking terrified of it. On top of that I wasn't entirely confident in the learning process. You know, the falling down hard before you ACTUALLY learn something. The thing is, I'm lying here, realizing that I have come to ROCK this whole learning and letting go thing that life wants us to embrace...okay MAYBE it's a work in progress...but that is life, isn't it?
I used to be that person who was afraid to try chopsticks (it's not like this is the only thing - it's just relevant at the moment) because I might look like a fool. I was also the person afraid of the subway. I was afraid of the big city. However, last night I found myself sitting in a restaurant downtown Toronto, with about 9 other awesome friends, and I was confidently using the chopsticks as if I'd been using them my whole life. And to be honest it didn't even phase me until tonight while I was lying in bed. I'm sitting here like "Heck YES! I rock!". I suppose we are really and truly the only ones who know what it feels like to make triumph in our own lives. I mean - as much as I would love a little victory party about my chopstick use - I get it...we're kind of here to celebrate our own growth right? And in that case, I guess it's okay that I am TOTALLY pumped at my ability to master the fine art of eating with chopsticks.
The 'fear' of failure, or not being pretty, good, smart, etc. enough is a funny thing. It can totally consume you if you allow it to. It can also be what pushes you to grow and shine a little brighter in the world. I think that for most of the past however many years I've not necessarily been afraid of the outer world, exterior part of life...it's really been the fear of my own light that has been holding me back. The reality is, I am loving, thoughtful...I'm the kind of person who will strike up a conversion with almost anyone and literally be kind to every living thing and ALL of that jazz...in fact there is probably more amazing words to describe me - and I finally get it - I need not be afraid of how all of that impacts others while finding my way in the world. I need not worry about what it looks like to fall down a couple times on my way to figuring things out. In fact, if I fall - I'm going to laugh and I've kind of adopted the mentality - you're either laughing with me, helping me up or - peace out, love and I ain't got time for ya ;) I've spent WAY too many years allowing my EGO to drive what I do...or...better yet what I DON'T do for myself.
A major example of this whole 'fear' driving how I allow myself to move forward in life is - okay I need not be too hard on myself here - many people have found themselves in a similar boat to mine. After my schooling was done it was near impossible to get a job in my field. On a spiritual level I now see that this was all part of the process. On an earthly level, though...it has taken me SIX freaking YEARS to get my own place to live! I lived on my own for some of university but since then I've been living in my parents home. And while I love my parents and all - I need that independence - that space to call my own. What the heck have I been so afraid for the last however many years? Okay...I might know that answer...however, maybe some things are better kept in the vault...lol
The point is, here it is...another victory...I've got seven sleeps left in my childhood home, it feels REALLY weird but also extremely exciting - who knows what this next phase in my life will bring. And on top of the excitement of moving - I'm moving to a city that I was once afraid of...
People change. All of what I have accomplished over the last few years of my life have required me to change; change my thoughts, patterns, beliefs. It's been a wildly incredible journey. It is a wildly incredible journey. This journey has opened many doors of learning, trusting, believing, happiness and joy. The learning doesn't end, I know this. And the changing - it's actually growth. It's kind of beautiful when you find time to step aside from being in the midst of it all to truly feel the growth, to observe how it feels, and to make peace with the past. There is also a major place for laughter in all of the growth that comes with trusting life's process, a quiet space in your heart that smiles...when you find yourself eating a rice dish with chopsticks like it's no big deal!