The trauma happened a year ago and in the past year I've experienced more stress and drama than I ever have in my life. I have spent many nights feeling mind-boggled at all of the 'shit' showing up in my world and praying for things to go back to the way they once were - to a place where I felt innocence and freedom, to a place where I felt light and beautiful and to a place where I felt love and joy. This past year has had many lessons and for the first time in what seems like forever, some pretty 'dark' ones seemed to surface that propelled me into a state of confusion and even self-hatred.
Honestly, the moment I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself to maintain control over the last year I became pretty freaking angry at myself. And this is an emotion that I rarely allow myself to feel. (I know now how important it is to just let yourself feel angry sometimes)
Had I allowed myself to feel angry a little sooner, perhaps...well...maybe the timing was exactly as it should have been. After the fire I was displaced from my home and lived in a few different friends houses for over three months, I began teaching in a new school in a very challenging neighbourhood and busy environment, and I moved into my own home.
For about 5 minutes, okay maybe a few weeks, after moving into my home I felt relief, calm, and peace. I also felt like something was missing, that something wasn't right and very disoriented. I don't really like to attach myself to any diagnosis' - instead I attribute to experiencing something or going through something, having it, not being it. However, during the months after moving when I should have felt liberated about living on my own I just struggled...I missed my family, friends, the world I left that I had known for many years, the fresh air, the quiet streets and connection to a community. And in all of these feelings I felt angry at myself for finding myself in such an isolated place, but I also just didn't feel like myself in order to show up to anyone in my world. Maybe because they represented a peaceful place and joy I had usually always felt...for a few months I actually didn't understand why this was so difficult for me.
After writing my last post I went back to visit my osteopath and we talked again about the going ons of my body and what it was telling me. She recommended this book 'Understanding the Messages of Your Body' by Jean-Pierre Barral D.O. - she said "don't leave my office just yet, take a few minutes and read a few sections...see if anything resonates". I listened - science/body/cellular stuff really fascinates me. I honestly couldn't believe how 'bang on' this book was so I took a screen shot of the cover, raced home and ordered it on amazon. I seriously can't stop reading it and feel SO amazed at what our bodies can tell us if we only settle to listen to it for a few minutes.
Your body IS speaking to you
When I ordered this book online something was calling me to check out the books of another author that I adore, Doreen Virtue, I think she has some phenomenal messages to share. Although much of her work today is spiritually based she does have a significant background in science - and how ironic (or amazing) was it that her book 'Don't Let Anything Dull Your SPARKLE: How to Break Free of Negativity and Drama' popped up...I didn't know what the book would be about - but I thought 'heck yes Rebecca, let's get your freakin' sparkle back!!!' So I ordered it. When my books came in I began reading immediately - and well...this book V8 smacked me right in the forehead!!! It turns out that the fire, move, change in job and in fact - a friendship that I lost a few years ago REALLY put me and my body into a state of experiencing PTS-R symptoms. Holy CRAP! While I can't self-diagnose, even though sometimes I'd like to 'believe' that I am my own best and worst doctor, this book taught me A LOT...
We all have light ready to be seen
PTS-R, Post Traumatic Stress Reaction, as Doreen discusses is only temporary...it's not a disorder..."disorder" implies we have some disease of sorts. It's not a disease...in fact - HELLO - all of what I experienced in the last year has brought this on - whilst there are some amazing stories of light, happy, joy and good lessons - there has also been some dark yin/yang qualities (she deciphers between bright and dark ones in the book) that showed up. My suggestion - balance your shit out - but have FUN doing it and most importantly - be GENTLE with yourself!!!
There is something to be learned in both the light and dark times
Let me me clear in saying that I DO NOT have PTS-R nor do I want to claim it (not judging, feeling appreciative of what experiencing it has revealed to me, but saying thank you and moving on)...I have experienced some of it's symptoms and they really needed to be acknowledged in order to be released. This book is AMAZING. I read this book in less than a week - in fact my face was in this book every free second that I had - I finally realized all of the feelings that I've felt over the last year and you better believe that I will do EVERYTHING in my power to SPARKLE once more - and honestly...the best advice that I can give you when you are faced with people who are perhaps attached to drama and negativity is, well...send them some love and compassion and recommend that they read this book. Because most likely that person had some trauma show up in their world that triggered some responses that they don't like and they just need to be reminded that they are safe, loved and have nothing to worry about - despite how it might feel sometimes, everything has a lesson waiting to be learned...they need to be reminded that feelings of joy are natural to return to, abundantly available and just behind every cloudy experience and memory. And just remind yourself and others this...