Saturday, 5 April 2014

Vulnerable Voice

So, I had a whole blog written here this morning and I erased it. Delete. Gone. Immediately after I asked myself; "what was it that I didn't want to share? What was I afraid of?". The whole point of my blog today is to share that I've found a safe place in my heart to be vulnerable and share my voice.
Up until a few years ago, for as long as I can remember, in all aspects of my life I didn't share everything that I knew to be true inside. Sometimes I was fearful of judgment or lack of appreciation or confrontation. And so people have always just viewed me as the sweet girl who doesn't know much - or at least that is how it has felt. This was present in my family, friendships, love and career. Even though I'm an honest person and very loyal I haven't always shared everything that I want to say with everyone incase it hurt them or they couldn't accept it and the last thing I ever want is tension. I'm a keeper of peace, I will face tension head on but sometimes I admit, I dodge it.
For example, this really affected a 10 year friendship that I had. We both dodged tension and NEVER dealt with feelings that stemmed from hurt, only the good ones. For a while we thought it was working itself out or maybe we just told ourselves that for fear of losing one another. When I look back over the years though, there were multiple times I could have spoken more directly even if it hurt myself and friend a little. It would have meant honouring my true self. Like saying, man you really annoyed me today or "what the heck were you thinking?". Anyways, something major happened in one of our lives and in the thick of it all that resentment rushed to the surface and clouded our ability to see clearly. Looking back, this was probably a good thing. Things needed to change for both of us. We both needed to find our voices and honour them. It wasn't until a good friend of mine said "aren't you afraid of holding resentment for not working through the anger?" that I realized I needed to ground myself and connect to my soul/being - because there were areas in my life that I did air things just not in this friendship for some reason...
Three years ago this was a major trigger for me to start living an authentic life without judgment of others and with strength to say what I mean when I feel it as much as I can. This meant committing to being vulnerable (this word used to scare the crap out of me - now I embrace it). And crap have I ever been vulnerable these past few years, I probably have a few more layers to peel off but kind of feels like your naked lol but wouldn't I know that the first one to come in and comfort me - was me? And more than that, I've built a community of people over the last few years that truly allow me to be ME. They love, appreciate and respect my ME and I love, appreciate and respect their THEM. They hear me. They listen to my true voice, the good, bad and in between. Here's the joy in finding your voice - there actually are people who want to see you/me shine so brightly in your/my highest regard. There are people cheering for my voice to be louder than loud - okay - not in an annoying egocentric way - that's just NOT me, but in the soft and gentle way that is me. Most of the time my voice is pretty gentle and I speak beautiful truths cause I feel it, I am talking about not honouring that I am meant to help people by sharing all of my thoughts and inner knowings.
I've allowed my true self to appear in my career as this is mostly why I write, to heal people and help them be the best they can be for all of the little people in our world. I have a question though - at what point do we layer on the thickest coat of "hide your voice" to these kids???? A little filter - yes...but people are going through life not saying what needs to be said. Where do you put those words anyways? For me, I have the tools to release - but does everybody? What's more is that people aren't saying the good stuff either. If a friend, coworker or a lover did something great why the heck can't we just celebrate them??? Why are so many people attached to their jealously? See this is what I mean - I never used to call people on not speaking authentically and being jealous - but here I am - having felt those things at times too - saying STOPAdmit your jealous and move on. Then celebrate your person, people!!!! Geez! If you speak more lovingly, freely in these times than your goodness will grow, I truly believe that.
When it comes to relationships, I've been given some terrible advice and acted on it and some great advice and acted on it and for far too long I didn't hold myself in the highest regard and made excuses for the other person. This clouded my ability to support, see clearly and appreciate myself and the person. Nope. Not anymore. I will say what needs to be said that honours me and the other person. BUT - at the same time, I will keep being me and live my life. For it's far more important and freeing to say what you feel you need to say than to filter your every thought and feeling. At least this is what I believe. I still have foot in mouth syndrome sometimes - like last night (unrelated to relationships but relevant) I shared some of my personal self with coworkers - then I immediately thought - shit!!! Was that an over share? It didn't take long for me to listen to my true voice and not ego and realize that someone at that table needed to hear what I said. Peace and balance restored.
As I peel away layers and share my journey through my writing, I've found that this is where my true, full voice comes out. People that know me know that I'm authentic and that I share honestly and openly, it's just they didn't know is that I know that my purpose is greater than just the one-on-one time we have and I am meant to share my voice, life experiences with a whole ton of others through my writing. If I wasn't than I wouldn't have a box of stories to share. I just had to allow myself to be vulnerable before I shared them. Vulnerable with my thoughts. Vulnerable with my words. Vulnerable with my heart. And boy was it hard to get here with so many hurts in life. And I'm sure the ride will be like going through waves.... regardless, I'm here at the moment...and I'm enjoying the journey...
p.s. how was the buddha hunt? did you find ways to live more lovingly, let go gracefully?
This past week challenged me definitely - but in all honestly, I did see myself cultivating more love, and living gently - okay - I did go through a rocky spot first with something terrible that is related to a student that I'm not at liberty to say - but I used my tools like yoga... and so I was able to cultivate peace and support the student in a way that will impact their entire future in what I hope to be a positive way...this is because I used my voice and honoured my gift.

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